Recently I have been questioning my happiness. Am I happy with my body? Am I happy with my job? Am I happy with my social life? And I have realised that since the death of my uncle and the immediate moving of countries after that event, that I have actually really been suffering with the mental trauma of that period of my life. Because a lot changed, very quickly and I didn't give myself enough time to grieve. I started college and got a job straight away, which is good because I kept myself busy, but I found that it actually made me bottle it up more, which then made me more prone to emotional outbursts and breakdowns. This is the first time I have actually admitted that I am struggling, because I wanted to be strong for myself and everyone else.
I suppose I have tried to keep myself busy by trying to make new friends and throwing myself into my job. And because I have been so busy, I haven't taken time out to heal myself. I have realised I need to concentrate on myself to ensure I am at my upmost happiness and that I am not just going about my daily life because I have to. For months my life has just been, work, family, home. Although I am ecstatic that I get to spend more time with my family, I need time for me, I need time to make friends, I need time to explore, go to gigs, make memories and travel. I need time to grow, and to live a carefree teen life, where I don't have to worry about anything.
And this is where I begin to question myself. Am I doing what really makes me happy? What satisfies my soul? Am I going to bed and making up with a smile on my face? Because at this age I should be.
I have found that I have gotten too comfortable with having no friends and staying in on a weekend. that shouldn't be what my teenage years are about. I used to be a pretty confident girl, but I now feel like I'm boring and unapproachable. Which then leads to a vicious cycle of self doubt. I do enjoy time to myself, but I really thrive off of the company of good friends and I really bounce off of other people.
So recently I have had a little awakening, like some one has shaken me, slapped me in the face and told me to get my shit together. This is the part of my life like in the movies where I am trying really hard to motivate myself and turn my life around. I have my eyes wide open and I am eager for new opportunity. So to concentrate on myself I have joined the gym and have promised myself I am going to stick to a paleo based diet, to make by body feel good. I am to be spending more time out with friends and family, who make me feel good about myself and push me to be the best I can be and I am taking time out for myself, to progress and accomplish the things I want in life.
Most importantly, I am upping my vibe. I want to attract the right crowd who make me feel good and genuinely satisfy my soul. I want my life to be about having a good time and actually living. I want to wake up with a smile on my face and skip to work without a care in the world. This is the best thing I could do for myself. It is hard, moving county and starting over, especially when everyone else's life is already falling into place, they already have their friends and their network and their routine ect. Whereas, I am completely starting over, and I don't think some people understand how hard it actually is. But I'm determined it'll all work out, it just takes time to settle and meet people and do new things. It will all fall into place and everything happens for a reason, I'll eventually meet the right people and find the right places, I just need to make it happen.
